Stupid is The New Awesome

(NOTE: for the next couple of months, many if not all my posts here will be cross-posts with my ongoing production blog over at sailormanshow.com)

So, the idea for Sailor Man has been gestating since at least 2002, when Scott and I started living together, just out of college. Neither of us was employed, we lived in filth … the most charitable way to describe the state of our apartment was “squalor.” We spent a lot of time getting intoxicated in the afternoon and watching TV and movies. I kept returning to [a seminal cartoon about a sailor] that repeated on Cartoon Network. I found them so silly and giddy … the product of a time when the very concept of animation was still new enough to inspire a huge amount of experimentation and awesome flights of fancy … there was a true “hey, look guys! We can do ANYTHING. It’s Animation!” feeling to every one of the cartoons. I enjoyed the hell out of them. But, for maybe the first time I was really struck by how violent cartoons are, and this cartoon in particular. Somehow, when it’s an anthropomorphic rabbit or a coyote getting smashed, punched, or mangled, it seems more fantastic than when it’s two human beings going at each other. And while I still found these sailor cartoons fantastical, I couldn’t help but be a little intrigued that the ostensible hero of the show’s solution to literally EVERYTHING is to punch it. Hell, there’s an episode where he’s minding someone’s baby, and he beats up an entire orchestra and an intersection full of motorists because the noise they make threatens to wake the infant. (Amazingly, he manages NOT to punch the baby.)

So, it occurred to me that without the “cartoonyness” of these old cartoons, the stories about this pugnacious sailor are actually pretty ugly, pretty brutal. And so, the concept for Sailor Man was born.

Now, even though we’d had this idea for years, it wasn’t until this year that we finally decided to really do something about it. In late December ’07, with the submission deadline for the New York International Fringe Festival in February, I started the long and ongoing journey to physically become that sailor. I’ve always had the chin for it. No question. The issue was that in December I weighed about 185 lbs. That’s not obese, but it’s overweight for my 5’10” frame. Something I’m not too proud of.

[Ry BEFORE. AFTER pic pending.]

I cut two of my very favorite things from my diet: Pizza and French fries. Pizza wasn’t so hard, but fries … there is no food I take more satisfaction from than a hot plate of fries. I still indulge from time to time, but I used to have French fries about once a day at least. Jeez, do I love fries. On top of this, I bought a forearm exerciser. The kind you squeeze. The most memorable thing about that certain animated sailor is his massive forearms. Daily squeezings, plus biking everywhere I could dropped me down to 177 by late May. And although I could do more forearm squeezes than anybody I knew … so many in fact, I broke the digital counter on the machine; I was still puffy and un-muscular.

Thus, for the first time in my life, I joined a gym and began a real workout routine. Let me just say now that I hate it. I hate working out. Nothing seems more disingenuous or more indicative of the ridiculousness of our entitled human condition than people paying money to use their bodies in a void, trying desperately to work off the sumptuous food they can afford to eat too much of, and building muscles that they’d have anyway if they had to do any physical labor at all in their lives. Myself included.

But, duty called. I now do 30-40 minutes of cardio a day (plus more if I’m biking around the city) and 40 minutes of weights. Right now all the focus in on my upper body, specifically my arms. I can tone my core once I’ve dropped my gut. Until then, I just need to be thinner and more army. Especially my forearms. I spend more time on my forearms than any other musclehead at the gym. Of course, there are guys there whose forearms put mine to shame, but they also look like their only hobby is working out. I have at least 3 hobbies, so no time for that kind of dedication. But, as of this week, I weigh 171 lbs. and I can do 3 sets of 8 reps each of forearm curls with a 45 lb dumbbell. At the risk of tooting my own pipe (ha!) that’s pretty amazing. That’s the kind of strength almost no one needs in their forearms. Suffice it to say, no pickle jar will ever best me again. Now, if only my forearms actually looked like they were that strong …

Anyway, I will continue my workout regimen up until the show opens, and (probably) beyond. As Scott said in a previous post, neither he nor I have done any real acting in years, and I wanted to go at this as seriously as possible. So, I’m totally re-doing my body, DeNiro or Christian Bale style. I may have been away from the theater for a while, but who says I ain’t method?

I just had a most pleasant experience at the DMV! The New York City DMV, in Manhattan. I needed to renew my license since it’s about to expire. I went with a book and a snack, expecting to wait in line for hours like I have every other time I’ve ever been to the DMV. (Including four years ago when I went to this exact same DMV to get my WA license changed into a NY license.)

I was in and out in under ten minutes. Let me just say this one more time, so it can sink in:

I had a minor bureaucratic errand I had to run at the DMV. I went in. I came out, finished. Less than ten minutes had elapsed. It seemed as though hours should have gone by, like I’d somehow lost a huge portion of my day…

It’s like I’d stumbled into some alternate reality where doing things at a City office take the amount of time it seems like they should take. And I was all, what is this, the island or something? Where’s my constant?! I need a constant!

Great news! The show that Scott and I proposed to the New York International Fringe Festival was picked up, and will be performed in August. So if you’re in NYC this August and you want to see me in the the role I was born to play, come see Sailor Man. I haven’t been this psyched about anything in quite a while. June first we’re launching an official website with production blogs and photos, and maybe even some cool video and stuff. For now, you can read the show proposal, and see these production photos (photos by Carlye Hirsch)

photo: varmazis

Well I’ve returned from sure one of the most awesome/surreal experiences of my life. ROFLcon 2008, the “first ever meeting of internet memes” was thebomb.com/sosofun. There was a real potential for this undergrad-organized nerd herd to be totally awkward and lame, but instead everyone was just so fun and enthusiastic that the whole experience was a giddy thrill. The pic above is of the LOLcats Panel: I can has case study? that Arija and I were invited to speak on months ago. Yes, that is Tronguy sitting in our audience. He asked smart questions too. And didn’t take the costume off the whole weekend as far as I could tell. Below is a better photo of us at the same event.

photo: dsearls

If you want any more info on how the LOLpanel went, specifically, here are a couple of legitimate press articles on the event where Arija and I are quoted.

What else happened over the weekend? Well, I was asked to sign one of the one laptop per child laptops by Alexis Ohanian of Reddit (who also did a great job moderating the LOLpanel, btdubs.) He was getting every “meme” at the conference to sign it before he auctions it off for charity.

I met Leeeeeeeeroy Jenkins, the creator of Bert is Evil, and Joe Peacock of Mentally Incontinent (a really nice guy with a pretty funny book). I talked to Cheeze of ichc.com, and the brothers Chaps, creators of Homestarrunner, who ACTUALLY HAD HEARD OF US AND OUR SITE. Total geek moment, for sure.

At an afterparty I actually met and Tronguy, had a nice talk, and was asked to sign a release because our chat might appear in a documentary Current TV is making on him. Current also interviewed Arija and me about our site. I also got asked to write something funny down for these guys. I give myself a 4 out of 10.

The biggest fun of the weekend, other than watching as 500 + sat down to watch our silly panel on stupid cat graphics was meeting with the JibJab guys.

photo: stella kevlar

They were totally awesome and I’m not ashamed to say I’m a little gay for them both. My love of fake mustaches is well known, and these guys came correct.

I’m just hours away from heading to ROFLcon for the weekend. This page has been set up to make showing all my various projects to people there quick and easy.

A highly re-cut and totally re-dubbed episode of Captain Planet
Featured on Collegehumor.com

Part of my Baby In Danger series. There was a lot of debate online about the reality of the gun. It’s fake. The muzzle flash is digital.

Risky McGuinness.

The rest of my videos can be seen here.

Here is a proposal for a live theater piece based on Popeye cartoons that I’m currently shopping around NYC.

Here are some outdoor art installations.

The reason I’m at ROFLcon in the first place = LOLSECRETZ.

These are some favorites that I wrote myself.

Hope you liked my stuff. Drop me a line in the comments!

So this is an ad for Absolut Vodka that ran in Mexico City, depicting a redrawn border between the US and Mexico where most of the American Southwest is under Mexican rule. (These were actually location of the national borders until the Mexican-American war and fight for Texas independence in 1848.) When I was like, 16, I thought the Absolut ads were cool, and although I’m past that now,every now and again they still surprise me. This one, for instance, was one hell of a surprise. Just looking at this ad, the first thing I think is “public relations imbroglio.” I suppose there’s no Swedish concept for “big stink” or “imbroglio,” because I can’t imagine how they would okay these ads otherwise. Oh wait, yes I can. They did it because the people who are in charge of Absolut are almost certainly over 50, and therefore still believe that there are regions to marketing, and that regional marketing will never be seen by anyone outside of the intended region. Also, being Swedish, they’re probably rational people who couldn’t imagine that an ad like this could piss so many people off in border states in the US.

Personally, I love this ad. I love that, in spite of what was said in Absolut’s apology, this ad is obviously a reaction to the the Mexico/US immigration issue, and is intended for people on the South side of that border to see, nod their heads and go, “yeah, that’s the way it’s going to be!” They think it’s clever and fun. And for its intended audience, it is. While for some of us North of that border, it’s an outrage. But, can you imagine what a kick out of this ad people who hate it in its current form would get if it depicted a map of Iran with US borders pushing in from Iraq? It’s amazing to me that some people simply can’t see the other side of things, they’re so furious over their own pet grievances the whole time.

It’s really too bad that Absolut decided they had to apologize and pull the ads. This is the kind thought-provoking, dialogue-starting ad that other companies would kill for. (Until a dozen people on a conservative blog complain about it.)

However, one clear winner in all of this is Skyy Vodka, who wrote an absolutely hilarious response to this ad. It is excerpted here:

“In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo officially ended the Mexican-America War (1846-1848). With the signing of this treaty, the United States gained control of what was to become the Golden West, including California, Arizona, Utah, Nevada and parts of Colorado and New Mexico. Today, SKYY® Vodka, the number-one vodka produced in the United States, spoke out against suggestions by Absolut® Vodka to disregard that treaty, as well as the joining of Texas to the Union in 1845, as depicted in Absolut’s recent advertising.”

In the response, a Ssky representative goes on to say,

“Don’t get me started on the Gadsden Purchase. I think the folks in Tucson and Yuma would be rubbed the wrong way if they hear this landmark deal was somehow nullified as suggested by Absolut, a Swedish-owned brand.”

So, kudos Skyy Vodka. You really made my day, and I didn’t even have to drink you.

I am left with one question though… If this ad was intended for the Mexican market, why is it in English?

For those of you who came here after seeing the Captain Planet video “The Power is Yours!” Thanks, and welcome. Jon and I are working on the next installment. In the meanwhile, here is a teaser to get you excited for more environmental shenanigans.

(Note, much as they do in Arrested Development, don’t actually expect to see this clip in the next episode.)

Anyone who knows me knows that I like to toe the line as to what’s okay for kids and what’s not… I do think that as a society we’ve become incredibly scared and overprotective of our children … while totally forgetting that little kids have a huge capacity to understand the bizarre and transgressive, moreso in fact than many adults, since their concept of what’s “normal” is still so undefined and malleable. That said, this monstrosity hanging in Duane Reade today gave me pause. It’s a “Terry Bath Glove,” for bathing youngsters. Putting aside for the moment that no one needs a glove to wash their children, this thing is so beyond the pale of weirdness that I can’t imagine anyone, even someone like me, wanting to expose their child to it. Here you go, little buddy! It’s bath time … time for the MUTANT SOAP BUNNY!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tremble in fear at its pitiable countenance and wonder whether it’s something in your bathwater that created this horrible affront to nature! Are your child’s tears those of humanity’s first confrontation with its limits and the dark abyss staring back at them? Or is it just that they got some soap in their eyes?

I didn’t put the boy up to this, I swear. This gorgeous cliche and future fuzzy memory actually happened spontaneously. I’m constantly amazed at how universal specific childhood discoveries like this are. Everyone’s taken a moment to look at the world through a sieve, and therefore just about everyone can relate to this photo. It’s no wonder formulas and specific story structures continue to hold popularity… so much of what we experience culturally really is universal.